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T'was the Night Before Christmas, HR-Style

December 17, 1999
Related Topics: Mergers and Acquisitions, Featured Article
T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the store,
Few employees were working; the rest were quite bored.

The network was down; there wasn't a spare,
Even the IT folks were pulling out their hair.

Gen X-ers played football, the endzone a desk,
The Boomers rolled eyes and belittled these pests.
The quarterback Shawn got a cut on her face,
I knew that soon OSHA would visit this place.

Then straight from my briefcase there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my cubicle to see what was the matter.
The cell phone was ringing, I knew it quite clear,
My emotions were torn 'tween curiousity and fear.

The voice on the end of the phone gave me pause,
It wasn't Bill Gates, and not Santa Claus.

What to my joyous ears should I hear,
But the sound of HR, somewhere very far from here.

With a little old voice, so sweet and inspired,
They told me our firm had just been acquired.
From London and Brisbon and Lima they came,
A multinational conglomerate, I forgot the name.
No downsizing! No layoffs! No TQM and firings!
On hope! On faith! On plenty of hirings!
To the top of the world! To the top of Wall Street!
A buyout awaits! This offer can't be beat!

A dream job was here, and no one could stop me,
Not even Ms. Reno could call this a monopoly.

So off to the blue cooler I flew,
I settled for water, though it was high time for brew.

I smiled with glee, and jumped up and down,
Our HMO would finally include ultrasound.

Our 401(k) plan, which now wasn't nice,
Would soon be administered by T. Rowe Price.

I'd now have to comply with the FMLA,
But my son and I would have three months to play.

Training employees would involve lots of red tape,
But my budget would rise by a factor of eight.

Candidates would flock to the 'Net for our jobs,
Our rivals need resumes; we would have gobs.

Our name would include an 'e' and 'dot com,'
No one would know why but my four-year-old Tom.

We'd outsource the payroll and more paperwork,
They'd reassign stuff that drove me berzerk.

I knew not the details, only one major fact,
This was finally a chance to make a real impact.

My greatest joy, I have to reveal,
That the CEO was the only one gone in the deal.

I sprang to the intercom, and got down on my knees,
Hit pound thirty-four to page employees.
I told them what happened, and about the White Knight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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